"If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking...."

On a cold, dreary day in January of this year my life changed, and not for the good. It wasn't as life-altering an event as, say, the events of July 14, February 23 or January 18. Yet it was nevertheless important and will impact the path that my life continues to follow.

For fear that some who might read this will balk or snicker, I won't go into details. Those of you who know the deeper side of me will know of whom I speak. My friends and I lost a person very influential in our lives. One could say he was, in some ways, a friend. He was someone who gave us hope; who dared us to dream big; to not fear being a hopeless romantic; to celebrate individuality and creativity. He was a bright shining light. A true inspiration to Nelson, to Nicole, to many of my friends. He was an inspiration to me.

Nelson and my friends have been there for me as I've struggled to understand and rationalize this loss. I hope that I have been there for them as well. We have laughed, cried, and pondered many things during the past month and a half. We have reflected on who we all were eight years ago before knowing each other and how we have struggled--yet grown--as human beings since those early days.

I could try to write the most eloquent and heartfelt words about him, what he meant (and still means) to me. However, I just don't feel I could ever truly capture in words the impact my life has had because of his all too short time here on Earth. I have been blessed with friends I once thought I could never have. A soul mate that at one time I was convinced did not exist, leaving the future of my life cloudy and uncertain.

And so, rather than struggle to find just the right words, I shall refrain for the most part. He is gone, but will never ever be forgotten. Physically no longer here but still alive! Alive in his child's precocious smile and in the countless lives he touched. He lives on each time Nelson smiles at me, tells me numerous times that he loves me, and every time one of my dear friends gives me that much needed laugh. Each time I find the courage to write a few words, no matter how poorly written or misspelled they might be, he is there in that effort.

In pondering this dear one's passing and regretfully thinking of all that could have been, I will stop, and simply let the words of Miss Emily Dickinson close this entry. The poem popped into my head today while reflecting on this loss. Many of you know the one thing I will always be most grateful to him for is my dear Nelson. To "my girls," you have spoken to me of the friendships found as well because of him. So I find that Miss Emily's words are....apropos.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.