((((E))))

It was not the news I expected to receive last Monday morning. Arriving to work, I read an e-mail notifying me that one of my dearest friends had died suddenly.

It's a weird feeling you get when you first learn news such as this. You get this sickening feeling in your stomach, followed by shortness of breath. You frown in sadness and shake your head in disbelief. At least that's what happens with me. And it isn't until the shock begins to fade slightly that utter pain and sorrow hits. It hits with a torrential downpour of sobs, tears, and runny nose. The pain and ugly reality follows you wherever you go. If forgotten for a few minutes or set aside during sleep, it's still there. No matter how hard you wish for it to all be a bad dream it isn't.

I want this writing to be about her and not me. At the same time, though, I feel that I need to write because of the catharsis my heart needs. Done is the viewing, meeting the family, the funeral. She has been buried. She is with the earth now. Now it is time to pick up and move forward. To move on without her feels so strange.

I wish I could remember what it was that made me single her out. What had she posted on the boards at heathbaby that prompted me to contact her? I can't remember. We exchanged many personal messages, e-mails. We discovered that we shared a lot in common. Aside from loving the hunky Heath Ledger, we had dreams. Unfulfilled dreams. She, too, dreamed of becoming somebody. She too loved movies, Hollywood, music, reading, and a plethora of other interests. We both believed in reincarnation. We were both lonely. We both wanted friends. That was nine years ago.

Friends is what we became. We shared things with each other that perhaps we didn't share with those in our everyday lives. Hopes, dreams, regrets, fears. Sure, there were some 500 miles separating us but we didn't let that stop us. Oh, the laughter! Sometimes there were even tears. Tears from laughing so hard, that is.

I never had a strong group of friends growing up. Either I never found people who really were enough like me or I severed the relationship when they let me down. With Elizabeth and heathbaby I had--for the first time in my life--a group of friends. They seemed to genuinely care about me and the feelings were mutual.

And E cared about me. That's what I came to call her. E. And Reb is how I was known to her. There were periods where I was so down and depressed and she was there for me. She sent me notes of encouragement. She would call and check on me. She never gave up on me.

Who was it that drove over 14 hours to come to my wedding? Even after getting lost in the Smoky Mountains and therefore missing the ceremony, she still showed up at the reception? E. I should've had her be my Maid of Honor. She should've been in my wedding. I remember her being the first person to support us as potential parents. When I mentioned how I wanted to become pregnant one of these days, she squealed and said, "Aww, you guys would make the best parents! You guys are so cute together!"

I let us grow apart a bit after that. I became preoccupied with married life and my emotional-drama-of-the-month. We chatted occasionally but not as regularly. I'm kicking myself now for this.

E was a stronger and braver person than I could ever hope to be. My husband and parents remind me of the things I've overcome but I can't imagine facing cancer. She faced that mean and merciless disease at only 13 and defeated it. She dug her heels in and moved forward in life. There were other obstacles, though. Obesity. Depression. Loneliness. Professional stagnation. Lymphedema. And most recently, one sprained ankle and another broken ankle requiring 2-4 weeks bed rest, from which blood clots formed and detached, moving to her heart.

There were many days that E called and I couldn't talk for long or I missed her call and we kept playing phone tag. I can still hear her voice mail message: "You know the game and now you're it. Leave me a message." It seems I was always too drawn up in my own frustrations and worries to stop and realize that maybe she needed more of an ear to listen than I provided. I took her for granted. I took our friendship for granted.

We had almost gotten together last summer, but plans fell through. We were hoping to see each other this year. She had talked of driving down to Georgia for a conference and I would meet her there. We would stay at my parents' house. Instead, the next time I saw her was the last time I'd see her. In a casket. The lifeless body resembled nothing of the vivacious, bubbly, smiling E I had known.

She had too much to offer. Too much love to share for her life to have ended so soon. Some of her journal writings indicated that she still had hopes of achieving some of her dreams. In true E fashion, she was not going to let obstacles impede her quest for a fulfilling life.

There has to be reincarnation. What E started in this life was not finished. She deserved better. She has to get that opportunity again in her next life. She just has to. Some believe that paths cross again in other lives. Maybe our paths had crossed in previous lives and thus our connection in this one. Oh, I hope to see her again. Whatever lies out there--a Heaven, a Summerland, another life, I hope to see you again. I wish to laugh and dance with you again.

We used to talk of the day that all of us heathbabies would get together as gray-haired, wrinkled old ladies. We would tell our sons and daughters of the fun their mommies had together. I don't see that happening now. Not without E.

If you can hear me, E....If you can hear my crying and my apologies, please know how much you meant to me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I'm sorry I took our friendship for granted. Do you know? Do you? Do you know from wherever you are right now how much I grieve and miss you? Do you know how much you meant to me and so many others? Yes, you deserved so much more than the rotten deal you were dealt. But your time here was not in vain. Never think this. For, from your time here I can say I had one truly good friend in my life. One truly, fiercely loyal friend. Someone who is an example to remember. With all the darkness and meanness which surrounded you, you still shined your light brightly. With a smile. With love.

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